John Madden is one of my heroes.
I know it’s weird. He was a football coach and later became a famed announcer. His voice lives on now in video games.
Madden made watching football fun. He made me laugh while he taught me the game. I confess watching football has never been the same. He was, after all, the one who introduced the world to the Turducken.
(If you know, you know).
One evening while watching a documentary of his life, I was struck by a story about his approach to his first head coaching job. After spending some time on the Oakland Raiders staff, he was promoted to head coach. The team needed a lift.
One of the first things he did was radically reduce the number of team rules. Prior to his tenure, players had a strict dress code. They had both do’s and don’ts for how they sat on the sidelines. On and on the list would go.
That did not work for Madden. So, he reduced the whole complex system to 3.
Show up on time.
Do what I tell you.
Play hard.
That’s it. Three simple rules. But they were not rules in name only. If you were late, you were called out. If you did not do what you were told, you lost your spot. If you loafed on the field, you could hold a clipboard off the field.
What amazed me was the effect this had on his team. The players said they felt free to be themselves and play hard. Their minds could focus.
When asked about the changes, Madden simply said, “I have never known of a time when wearing a tie before the game made a difference in the game.” Besides, he wanted his players to play loose and fast in a stable, predictable environment where they could be themselves.
Over the years, I have learned that Madden’s approach is also a great approach to parenting. Parenting is hard. One way to keep kids from trouble is rules. This is good and right. But if we are not careful, the lists can add up. There is a rule for this and a rule for that. Sometimes we even forget what the rules are there for.
What happens when you have too many rules?
When there are too many rules, you end up magnifying the restrictions and minimizing the blessings. That is what Satan did to Adam and Eve in the garden. By putting so much attention on what they could not have, he made them forget the blessings that surrounded them. Thus, they longed for what they could not have and rebelled.
When there are too many rules, you create a suffocating environment that often chocks out joy and open communication. You become less of a parent and more of a warden and children will relate to you as such.
When there are too many rules, parents get enforcement fatigue and inconsistent. That is, when there are too many rules to enforce, parents start selectively enforcing them. And selective enforcement leads to selective obedience. It is the dynamic that says when everything is of utmost importance, nothing is of utmost importance. When this happens, parents become double-minded leaders. Sometimes the actions are permissible, and sometimes they are not. This dynamic leads to a loss of stability that ruins harmony in the home.
With that in mind, here are some tips to get you going.
Determine your family’s priorities. Be intentional about your family culture. Get your bible out and determine what is most important to your family.
Use rules to reinforce your priorities. Once you have determined your priorities, set up your system of rewards and punishments that reinforce your priorities.
Reward and punish consistently. Once you have determined your priorities and designed your system, you are ready for the hard work of consistent enforcement. You want to create a predictable environment in the home. This will give your child a sense of security and control no matter what the outside world is like.
Life is overwhelming enough. Don’t overwhelm your child with an onslaught of rules haphazardly enforced. In this regard, less is more. Less rules consistently enforced will set you up for a happy, healthy home.
Comments