I can still remember the sadness on his face. I have no doubt he loved his son, but his profound disappointment showed through.
It was hard to understand. By all accounts, his son was a good man. People seemed to like him. He was an accomplished man. He excelled in his career, and his family was strong. He had a lot going for him, and his dad had plenty of reasons to be proud.
Yet, there was an ache, an ache of disappointment.
After a long pause, he spoke. “I only asked one thing of my son,” he said as he stared off into some past scene. I wondered what was this one request, this one denied obedience that carried so much pain to this day. I waited until he spoke.
“I begged him,” he said. “But he would not listen. He insisted.” After another pause, he looked at me and said, “The only thing I asked him to do was to never start smoking because one day it would kill him.”
After he spoke, he sighed and took a long drag from his cigarette.
This dad had forgotten a vital principle of parenting. Your kids hear what you say, but they imitate what you do.
It makes sense if you think about it. God has wired us in such a way that we learn by imitation. That is why we have so many instances in scripture where we are called to grow and learn by following the example of others.
For example . . .
We are called to be imitators of God as beloved children (Eph. 5:1).
Jesus tells us when we love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us, we show that we are sons of our heavenly Father who does good to those who dislike him (Matt 5:43-48).
Believers are called to imitate mature believers as they seek to grow in Christ (Philippians 3:17).
Christian leaders are called to be examples worthy of imitation (Hebrews 13:7).
I could go on, but you get the point. God has wired us to be imitative creatures. So, as a parent, it is not a question of whether you will be an example who is imitated by your children. The question is, what kind of example will you be?
With that in mind, here are a few tips to help you in your parenting journey.
Be conscious that your actions have weight. That is, keep this in mind when you walk into a room, respond to adversity, or address a problem. Learn to ask yourself, “Am I telling the truth or am I lying about the ways of God with my actions?"
Be willing to ask for forgiveness and thereby show them how to handle failure. You are not perfect, and you will not act perfectly. Your times of failure are also teaching moments. So, when you mess up, model for them how Christians handle mistakes. Be humble enough to admit when you are wrong and ask for forgiveness when you should. Show them how godly people handle failure and walk forward as forgiven sinners.
Surround them with the examples you want them to emulate. In other words, leverage the power of example. Get your kids around people worthy of imitation. Be intentional with your choices. You do this through the books you read and have them read. You do this through the movies you watch. Show them heroes who are really heroic, courageous, and loving. You do this by having friends they can look up to. If you have friends who are not worth imitating, they are not the kinds of friends your kids need to be around.
In all these ways, and any more you can think of, you embrace the principle, 'they hear what you say but they imitate what you do.' If you want them to be godly, you must learn to be godly and model that before them. After all, you cannot export what you don't possess.
But when words and deeds come together in faithful parents, you become a powerful tool in the hands of the Lord to shape generations to come.
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